Wednesday, September 26, 2012

where my "annoyances" come from

The past few weeks I have really started to process my roll as a wife and a mother to my children and started to try and renew my focus in these areas. I never gave up on this roll in the past 8 years but sometimes I think my focus shifts from everyone else to myself quick and I think with the birth of our fourth two months ago it really once again put my roll back into perspective.  I really feel God has called me and placed this desire in my heart to do.
I am not a perfect mother or a perfect wife.  But God has reminded me daily that while He doesn't call me to be a perfect Mom or wife, He has placed this calling on my life and will walk me through each step of the way.
I begin putting purpose in each step of my day.  Waking up before the kids to have time with the Lord, even if right now that looks like using my Bible on my phone, light dimmed while I nurse our baby, because at six am our five year old is up and ready to go.  It reminds me of Mark 1:35-37 "While it was still night, way before dawn, He (Jesus) got up and went out to a secluded spot and prayed.  Simon and those with Him went looking for Him.  They found Him and said "everybody is looking for you."
That's TOTALLY how my mornings go.  They peek in my room and find me and for the next 13 hours I try to be theirs and my husbands.
I find there is an annoyance though, but it is one that I have conjured up myself.  I annoy myself.  How many times do I tell my husband I want to be the one who takes care of the things of the house, so he can rest when he is not out working to provide the money for our home.  I tell him that's his job, and this is my job.  But when I begin to feel tired and worn out, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or don't want to do my job do I feel restless, impatient and downright nasty.  I begin to have arguments in my head with my husband of how he doesn't "do anything" around the house (which is a bold faced lie because he does, just not at that moment when I'm having this argument with him mentally).  The dishes begin to get really loud as I put them away in the kitchen and the garbage is FLUNG into the can outside.  The laundry which hasn't been magically folded because someone hasn't done it for me even though I haven't even hinted at asking begins to laugh at me all piled and wrinkled.   I begin to resent him when he is checking updates on twitter or on the news because "he is just doing that way to much today" (even though I did it the day before constantly and that day as well.).  When the convictions I feel about myself I feel he should automatically have too ;)
My kids have bad days.  My daughter is 8 going on 18... its a battle some days in this house and I am supposed to show them Christ and also discipline without myself going postal.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on days where we are all over tired or over selfish.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where I have my stuff together but no one else does.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where they all have it together but I don't.
But God is there in the midst and it takes a lot of grace to get through a day and He is more than willing to provide it when I humble myself and admit "Hey, no one in this house is perfect" and ask Him to lead the way.  We have a sign above our kitchen counter that reads "Jesus reigns in this place".
I wake up and as I'm preparing lunches and breakfast and nursing a baby in a sling, I see this and I have to remember that its not anyone else but Him that can really run this place at a pace and a rhythm that will work for all of us.  That when I have to remember to align myself with His purpose for me, He literally helps.  Some people don't get it but I guess unless you have literally experienced His presence..that knowing His Spirit is guiding you, I guess its hard to understand.
I have had to lay myself down and pick up the fruits of His Spirit.
I do get rest.  He does give me rest.  I don't have to demand it.  There are days I want to sit down and all day play on Facebook and to be honest there have been two of those days this week.  I don't want to come off sounding like a hypocrite.  Its in those days I am most on edge.  As if there are dishes again, as if there is a potty to be emptied.  I have demanded time for myself that hasn't in a sense been given to me for myself.   Everyday there are moments of rest that unselfishly present them self from God, and I give thanks to God for them.   Those moments are not always after the kids go to bed, but generally speaking they are.  It is in the days where everything has gotten done because we have worked on the Lords timetable and not our own and its on those days I have said "it is well" at the end.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

When we are not out of the woods yet...

There is a saying that popped up on a feed today on social media about an event in ones life that is so hard and rough and dark that all they could mutter was that they needed more prayers because "we're not out of the woods yet."

How dark and scary this place can be, when all seems to fall apart.  Where it seems the path that started turns into potholes and weeds so thick you can not longer find your footing.

How the tree roots seem to be almost rotting and you don't know how you can stay grounded and all you can do is literally push through the day at full force to exhaust yourself or give into the darkness and fall down a rabbit hole and succumb to all that's eating you alive.

But in order for us to know there is such a think as darkness we need to remember there is also such a thing as light.  Light can be beautiful.  There is always always light if there is darkness.  You cannot have understanding of one if you don't have anything to compare it too.

I write this while I'm in a time where I am embracing Light, and when I say that I mean Christ.  When I am on such a high of His light and His love that its hard to try and write about darkness and what it feels like when all I can feel is Light.  Where my footing feels lighter and more deliberate if that makes sense.  Like walking on a cloud.  But I have been in that forest of darkness and as time passes we go through cycles of it again and again.

There is light in that darkness.  High above those twisted canopies, hiding in nooks and crannies where the light has penetrated through the trunks that grow tall.  Where that woods can feel like a prison, but I think of how those prison windows even show a shadow of the bars along the floor from light.

There is light.  In times where we want to so desperately feel its warmth sometimes we have to start digging or running or chasing.  To not give up and fight for it because it can be robbed from us so quick.

His light is ever present in times of trouble.  He never leaves or forsakes us.  The light of Christ radiates from within us... and its the most easily accessible but most often forgotten.
Be still and know that He is there.
Be still and know that the woods have an exit
Be still and know that He is God and He loves you.
Shine your light and let the whole world see....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Multitudes of Gifts 460-491

The atmosphere turns to misty breaths and sweaters are unfolded onto wee children as the sunrises and breakfast is created in a warm kitchen.  Warm coffee pours into deep mugs and sweetened with sugar and a laugh.  Autumn comes calling and children stuff backpacks with new shoes and lunches.  Each moment is a gift.  Some seen obvious and some you have to peel through some curiosity first.  My multitude of gifts continues a few days late but never the less is present each day

460- back to school for two children
461- new bus service
462- children trying to see their breath out in the cool of the morning
463- fog so thick around tree trunks
464- crochet completed, fall hats created
465- 8th birthdays celebrated
466- Gods reminder of trust in finances
467- six weeks old at 9 lbs 9 oz
468- warmer baby wraps pulled from closets
467- baby booties knitted and worn
468- handmedown powerwheels, a three year old smiles
469- making first ever pumpkin cinnamon rolls.
470- cream cheese icing 
471- pumpkin spice lattes...
472- ...everything pumpkin
473- cloth diapers so flouresent they make her legs glow LOL
474- a visit with my brother and sister in law.
475-  Western Fair.
476- roller coasters
477- cotton candy
478- coffee houses

479- late night prayer
480- praying for a baby far away.  heart breaking, hope rising, God working
481- rainbows over fun
482- final midwife appts, bittersweet and had to hold back tears as I boarded the bus home after saying goodbye
483- scented erasers- fascinated children
484- sunlight beaming through lace curtains.  Joy dancing through rays
485- "my pork chops not working"- Zayden
486- "I cant make water"- Zayden
488- long jeans skirts
489- Kisses from children
490- husbands hard work
491- a three year olds determination... while frustrating you gotta admit..could prove useful someday ;) 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Photoshopping Jesus

Today my husband showed me a picture on the computer of something that was outstanding, but most likely "Photoshopped".  I cant see in any way shape or form how it could be real.

A few moments before that I had read in 1 John 2:27... and I wondered that during my journey if I have tried to "Photoshop Jesus"...

A few days ago I wrote here how I could not fully explain how I work this life with Jesus out.  How I cant say I conform or fit in with a perfect set of whatever's.   How we need to seek Him and if we didn't know how that we should pray.  He will teach us.  How I found beauty in a lot of the different ways denominations of various kinds seek Christ and create that relationship with Him.

Lately I have shared what seems to be a yearly occurrance about my yearly Autumn struggle to understand God.  How during this time of seeking all over the place, some places good some bad. Some over and over again. Christ always draws me in close to Him and I regain my center.

1 John 2:27 says in the Message version in which I read it in
 I've written to warn you about those who are trying to deceive you. But they're no match for what is embedded deeply within you—Christ's anointing, no less! You don't need any of their so-called teaching. Christ's anointing teaches you the truth on everything you need to know about yourself and him, uncontaminated by a single lie. Live deeply in what you were taught.

Who was John talking about?  Who are these decievers?  It's a big scary word and its the anti-Christ.  I used to always put this word in line with Revelations but it is so much more than that.  

When you back up in 1 John, chapter 2 verses 18-23 (NASB) says
Children, it is the last hour; and just as you heard that antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have appeared; from this we know that it is the last hour.  They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us.  But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and you all know. I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth. Who is the liar but the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ? This is the antichrist, the one who denies the Father and the Son. Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; the one who confesses the Son has the Father also. 

I am so much more and more and much more convinced over these past few weeks and months and years of seeking Christ, learning all avenues and crevases of human creativity that what it absolutely has to come down to is the truth of Christ.  As I searched and venture I have always come across things that I would absolutely love and adore to place into how I want to carry out my journey with the Lord, but those things ultimately say something to me that the Holy Spirit tells me to run far from.  There are other things that do align themselves with Christ and I embrace.  How important it is for me to remember as one who have a relationship with Christ is that He has given me His Spirit to guide me, and its so important that I spend time understanding what His voice sounds like and to really listen to Him, and to teach my children the same.  I don't ever want to Photoshop Jesus, to edit Him or parts of Him out so that He better suits something that I know doesn't fit.  How can His light fully shine to me and through me if I were to do this?  What parts of what He wants to share with me would I miss out on if I did this?  His truth wont change if I change it.  He is who He says He is, was and will forever be.  

I sit here today just reaffirming to myself in blog form that Holy Spirit needs to be acknowledged and listened too with a very open ear.  Christ's message of love and hope must be forever clung too and being His hands and feet are essential in walking with Him.